Pondering life

I’m on that road to discover who I am again. I hate this road – the one where you have absolutely no idea what is around that upcoming bend. I hate this road – where I have to second guess my every intention, motive and action. I hate this road – when I try to be spontaneous and go with the flow, but in the end it seems that spontaneity ends up just kicking me in the butt. I hate this road, but right now I want to be on it because I know there are other things out there for me.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, mostly about who I am and how people perceive me. It shouldn’t matter how others see me, but I honestly think people are lying when they say they don’t care what others think about them – everyone cares to some degree.

I’m trying to re-evaluate how I act in this world. I think about what type of girl I want to be and the girl I want to stay away from.

When I move back home for the summer I’m want to start going to church with my brother. I want to start meeting NEW people, but I want to be picky with the people I meet – I need them to be good influences for me. It definitely wouldn’t hurt if I could meet a good guy, God knows I need one of those in my life.

I have an overwhelming feeling and impulse to be very cynical and bitter towards guys right now – In the past couple years I’ve been losing faith and trust in the male gender, and I would really like to find someone to prove me wrong.

It’s kinda funny – all I want to do is run away from my problems and my life and start all over; be a completely different person. The thing is, I’ve been there and done that. I moved to England and I tried stepping in the shoes of someone I wasn’t. In the end it made me more depressed and made life harder to live. Looking back on how I acted and what I did to become this new person was me just lying to myself and I don’t want to do that.

Ok. I think this entry is done – I’m starting to ramble and I think I’ve said what needed to be said.

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