I wrote this a week and a half before Nana died…
Sunday May 28 – I might be coming home for a few days pretty soon. I don’t remember if I mentioned this already (I think I did, so sorry for the repeat), but my grandma has been in the hospital for the past week and they’re sending her home tomorrow. Basically, from what I understand, there’s nothing left for them to do. She’s not eating – hasn’t for the past week – the doctors have put a feeding tube in her twice and both times she’s pulled it out. My mom told me that the doctors say they’ll maker her as comfortable as they can at home, but she should only be expected to live for a few more days.
I have never been as close with her as I wanted to be; she’s 91 and has almost 30 grandkids/great grandkids. But tonight while I was driving around on the freeway I broke into tears. I was on the phone with my mom and she was telling me that all of her children were in her room praying the rosery and that my girl cousins were crying. My mom has been awesome at keeping me up to date, but when she told me that I had to pull over. Ever had the feeling where there’s this gigantic lump in your throat and the second you blink it’s as though a river spouts from your eyes? That was me on I-85 tonight.
I wasn’t there last year for my dad and it down right broke my heart. I actually had this ache in my chest whenever I thought about it. I understand there’s not much more I can do from home…but I would at least be there. 90f my family (my ENTIRE family) lives within 30 miles of my grandma. I realize I picked this life of travel, and that it is my passion, but it’s just so hard! “Life isn’t easy,” this I know, but maybe living away from Albuquerque isn’t all that glamourous if it means I have to miss the things that are actually most important to me, like family.
Right now we’re just waiting a couple days to see what happens. I was looking at airline tickets and…well…let’s just say I could fly to London from Albuquerque with money to spare for the price it’ll take to fly home for a few days. I decided last that I didn’t want to go home and see her the way she is right now because the last memory I have of her was a perfect one; she told me good luck, that she loved me and then blessed me. I didn’t want to taint that image, but right now I feel like I should be there with my family. Driving alone on 85 and crying isn’t exactly the way I should deal with this.
I’m looking to come home this Wednesday and stay as long as needed, so I guess I’d need an open ticket or maybe just one ways…
keep my Nana in your prayers 🙂