Currently: Feeling all the Feelings

How are you doing? How are you really doing?

There’s this GIF of Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory breathing into a paper bag. I use that GIF often lately, because that’s how I’m doing…that’s how I’m feeling.

Because life is really stinkin’ hard right now.

So how am I doing? I mean, I’m mentally breathing into a paper bag, and at the same time I’ve been turning to prayers with praise and gratitude for the smallest things, because Philippians 4:6-7; but gosh is it hard.

Sure, we’re all in this together, but with social distancing it feels like we’re all very, very much alone. And we’re not supposed to do life alone.

With covid-19 possibly “sleeping” as I’ve explained it to my kids, it feels like there’s this ticking time bomb possibly waiting to go off any second around you or someone you love. Cue so much anxiety.

I spend empty minutes playing back where I was out in public a week to two weeks ago and then estimating when symptoms might appear.

While I have no reason to suspect I came in contact with anyone, you just never know.

So how am I really doing? I’m sad, frustrated, angry, scared, anxious, lonely, and weary. I’m basically grieving. I know this feeling; I’ve felt it before, and it sucks.

There are days where all I want to do is cry…so I do. I sneak away from the kids and let those feelings out. Sometimes it’s in a shower or sometimes it’s while I’m making their grilled cheese with my back to them.

And then, randomly, some days I’m okay. Some days the sun is literally shinning, and I’m perfectly fine.

But on those gloomy days, it’s really dark and really hard.

Like many of you, there’s a lot of stuff going on in the background of our lives right now that are totally up in the air.

I miss my husband, but we’ve been missing him for the past 11 months so that’s not entirely new to miss him; I just miss him on another level now. He grounds me and is the one who talks sense into me, and as of this very minute, he’s still overseas, and we don’t have an end date.

Let that sink in. It’s been almost 11 months since he deployed, and we had an end in sight…and now we don’t.

My oldest finally caught on that he may be home later than we’re anticipating, and it broke my heart when she put two and two together. (She actually suggested we add a week to our countdown. Bless her heart.)

People have asked about our move to Germany, too, and honestly….I have no idea what’s happening with that, but I’m betting it’s delayed.

We have to be out of our house at the end of May. Cue more panic with this topic, because if my husband doesn’t come home, I’ll have to move us out alone, again, and find a place to store our stuff, and find a place for us to live…during a pandemic. And I don’t think the military will help move to a temporary place since we don’t have technical orders yet.

In order to get orders there is a ridiculously long list to things to do to cross off…those things entail going to doctor’s offices, the dentist, and dealing with schools (which are now closed for the rest of the year).

And not only are those all but closed at the moment, but even if they are open, I don’t want to go there right now, let alone take my three kids (who touch everything) with me. But who can watch them since we’re all social distancing? The struggle is very real right now.

The good news is: my husband says he’s still coming home (more or less on time), and that we’re still moving. And I believe him. Kinda.

I just have trust issues with the military. So until he’s home, and in our arms again, and until we’re on a plane (scary to think about right now), then everything is still a little too up in the air and stressful.

But the good news is that the kids are doing well, and on the bright side: we actually haven’t had too many issues with being around each other 24/7. Hearing their laughter reminds me daily that everything is going to be okay.

They play and have fun every day like nothing is wrong, and that’s exactly what I want. They don’t need to know the reality of what’s going on and why I’m stressed or at my breaking point; their job right now is to be kids.

Our routine keeps changing, and that’s okay. We have a semi-balanced way of doing life at the moment, and for the most part, our days run smoothly… Except for those couple days a few days ago where I completely lost my shit every 3.7 minutes. But that’s to be expected when you hadn’t talked to another grown up in almost two weeks.

Thank goodness for grace, forgiveness, early bedtimes, chips, wine, a bath, some sleep, and a new day.

….so how am I really doing? I’m like that GIF. I’m internally breathing into a paper bag, and taking each day at a time.

How are YOU really doing?